The Only Tsunade Time Travel Fanfic EVER
by Skarrow
Summary: I guess I could try to come up with a vague and mysterious-sounding summary but come on. This has no real plot. It's Tsunade time-travel fanservice, plain and simple. Also unbeta-ed. And contains a surprise crack pairing which doesn't really count because nothing remotely romantic happens, and people will totally see it coming. Or maybe not. Rated T for Tsunade. [Flashfic]
1. i

**i.**

* * *

On Tuesday, Haruno Sakura turned seven years old.

On Wednesday, Sakura woke up in her bed with an insane craving for something distinctly alcoholic. Her mother, Mebuki, entered with a super bright smile and cheerfully asked what Sakura wanted for breakfast that morning.

Big green eyes looked at Mebuki, looked at the bedroom, looked down at herself, and whispered, "Fuck me sideways."

"Sakura-chan?!" Mebuki gasped, gobsmacked that her cute daughter had uttered something so vulgar.

And then Sakura's little stomach grumbled.

Truth to be told, it felt like her stomach was going to devour the rest of her body.

So first things first - get decent, get some grub, find a quiet and empty spot and THEN freak out about the gravity of the situation at hand.

.

.

"Tsunade-chan, I must say that I am pleasantly surprised to see you in the village after sending me that letter which said you'd 'never step foot within Konoha ever again'." Sarutobi Hiruzen sat back in his chair and gazed at the curvy blonde standing in front of his desk. He casually continued, "It's been so long since we've spoken face to face... would you care to humor your old sensei and remind me what were the first words I told you when we first met?"

Tsunade rolled her eyes. "We met 'for the first time' three separate times; that's when grandma introduced us, when your wife introduced us, and when you became my jounin sensei. And I told you the same thing every time. _'Sensei, what is it with you and younger girls?'_ "

"And I _told_ you, I don't have a thing for younger girls!" protested the God of Shinobi automatically. "I just like talking to them, that's all!"

"So. While we're 'reminiscing', why don't we talk about how during that one mission, you paid a cleaning lady over one hundred thousand ryo to suck the poison out of your inner thigh?" This statement was punctuated with the sudden destruction of the wooden chair in front of Hiruzen's desk, courtesy of a finger poke.

"Enough! You have proven your identity, so please stop talking about that. You promised never to mention it again! And please don't take out your impatience over the office furniture. We both know that every time you do this, I end up paying for replacements out of my own pocket." Hiruzen sighed, reaching for his pipe. Why is it, after so many years, his female student still had the impulse control of a seven year old? That went for Jiraiya, as well. How could he possibly retire in peace when they refused to take responsibility for Konoha and continued to wander about the countryside causing mischief and therefore bringing more paperwork to his desk?

"Now that we've reached an understanding... you might want to kick out your ANBU guards, Sarutobi-sensei. I have something really crazy to tell you."

Once the office was secured, and Tsunade was absolutely sure that she was alone with her old teacher, she dropped her perfect _henge_.

With a quick puff of smoke, the beautiful blonde was replaced with a little girl with pink hair.

Hiruzen's eyes narrowed. "What in the Shodai's name-"

"Bottom line is, my apprentice was supposed to travel back in time," Tsunade piped up. Even as a seven year old there was something very commanding and imposing about her. She crossed her little arms over her chest. "But shit happened, and I've arrived in her place."

* * *

A/N: Seriously people. Start writing Tsunade time travel fanfiction! You've already brought us a Jiraiya one and an Orochimaru one! Think about the possibilities Tsunade could have in the past! Think of all the people she can beat up! Think of the character interactions!


	2. ii

**ii.**

* * *

On Thursday, "Haruno Sakura" became many things. Officially, she became the youngest Kage ever, the first female Kage ever, and also the first one to ever attain such a title without receiving formal basic ninja training whatsoever. Publicly, she became the Sandaime's apprentice and a "candidate" for Hokage.

Because if you had the chakra control necessary to shatter every single bone in the average person's body with a poke, did you really need any sort of training from a master at this point?

In other words, Tsunade was so awesome she broke the system just by existing.

Which also really sucked ass, because that meant she was going to resume her duties as Kage as usual, which meant all the clerical stuff that came with it.

In the Sandaime's own words, 'why send her to the Academy when she was infinitely more useful in the Hokage's office, dealing with the workload generated by the village daily'?

And Tsunade _hated_ working in the office. Hated work, period.

.

.

"...Zzzz...ghhh...urgh..."

Gravity ensued, and Tsunade ended up faceplanting on the cold hard wood.

"Ngh, I need a drink."

After picking herself off the floor and climbing back onto the chair, she blearily eyed the desk, and the stacks of folders she'd tried reorganizing last night.

In her expert medical opinion, the table had to be infected with some kind of super-cancer. Because every time she sat down in front of it, she felt like how a vulture looked. Up in its face region. It's so gross that Tsunade didn't know whether she was sick because of how gross it was, or because she was just sick. Yes. She seriously needed that drink. It was the only logical cure.

As if on cue, Hiruzen entered the office.

"Oh my, Tsunade-chan! Where did you get that? Underage drinking is a big no-no, even if you are a Kage. I'll be confiscating this now."

"Dammit, sensei! You hypocrite! You think I'm going to do this paperwork sober?!"

Tsunade made a wild grab for the sake bottles, but she was still half asleep and it was four in the morning. Hiruzen chuckled dryly and simply patted the top of her head in a patronizing way.

"Come, Tsunade-chan. We need to pick up the Fire Daimyo's latest correspondence."

"Sensei, can't you just order those chuunin standing in the hallway to pick it up? I could get just a few more minutes of beauty sleep in...!"

"Nonsense, my new apprentice," argued Hiruzen as he dragged the unruly little girl out of the office. Now that they were in public, he effortlessly switched to calling her 'Sakura'. "The weather is perfect for a short walk around the village."

The moment they stepped out of the tower, he cleared his throat and prepared to give his student some sage advice about being a Kage. "You know, Sakura-chan. A lot of people come up to me and ask 'what's it like being the greatest shinobi in Konoha?' And I don't really have an answer for that-"

Tsunade rolled her eyes and grudgingly kept pace with the old man. "I think I know where this lecture is going."

"-Which is a lie, I actually do. It's kind of like being the juiciest red apple in a trash can full of flies. Except instead of flies, it's the villagers. And instead of an apple, I'm a ripped warrior. I'll never forget the time I was saving these children from a fire, and then one of the Inuzuka clan's alpha dogs just bursts out of nowhere, getting mad about nothing. So I did what every self-respecting master of combat would do; I karate-chopped it right in the frontal pouch region."

As the pair plodded along, several early morning risers - both civilian and shinobi alike - greeted the Sandaime respectfully. Tsunade was peripherally aware of their curious whispers and stares regarding her presence. In a couple of hours, most of Konoha would learn that Sarutobi Hiruzen has taken on an apprentice.

Hiruzen coughed. "Inuzuka dogs have frontal pouches. By the way."

Tsunade took in the nostalgic sight of the morning sun washing over the buildings and streets. She saw villagers, both young and old, getting ready for another day. Her village. Her people.

She smiled.

"Never doubted your wisdom for a second, sensei. By the way."


End file.
